Is that I am the property of my Owner and Mistress Pearl
As the worthless little rat I am, I feel incredibly happy to have the opportunity to serve her. She is such an amazing and superior woman, being her rat makes me feel priceless. I love my repurposed life her little rat.
She gives me such a purpose, she gives my life a whole new meaning, a better one. I can't thank her enough to see me worthy of being hers. I am so lucky. I will devote my whole life obeying, serving and worshipping her. Such a life can never be bad, it is totally a blessing.
Now she owns everything I am and everything I have, including my orgasms. I edge for her, I cum for her, I breathe for her, I live for her. My pleasure is hers, my pain is hers, my happiness is hers. I belong down here at her feet and I LOVE it, for it is the natural place of a rat like me.
I think if other people knew how amazing it is to be owned by her and how much happier I am as her rat, they would also get on their knees to worship her. I am so lucky that I found her and she accepted me at her grace, this is such an honorable thing.
Edge debt: 1024
A submissive bottom, homoflexible, 26 years old, male
I will tell a lot about my kinks, what I want, a little about my personality and psychology. I know this is very long but please read the whole thing before messaging me :) This was written as a whole, then divided into topics in the end to make it easier to read.
I am a male, that's what I say to everyone because I look like a male, I always said that I am a male and I have a dick etc. Actually, genders doesn't make much sense to me. I mean, I don't think that there are feminine or masculine qualities. No quality is exclusive or inclusive to one gender, I mean there's nothing that no man has but some females do or nothing that every single female has. Anyone can have any trait and it's just about the individual, nothing applies to such a huge community. In the end what matters is who you are. So you can call me anything you want. He, she, them... They're just words to me. I keep saying that I am a male because that's what everybody would assume and it makes everything easier, and again, it doesn't matter for me. There's nothing to like or dislike in being a male for me :p
That's why I am actually a pansexual too, genders doesn't matter for my partners as well. Then why does it say "homoflexible"? You will probably find the answer to that in this text. I think it's kind of messed up though.
So I have to say it upfront, I am not a mentally healthy person. I don't have one of those relatively rare conditions like a personality disorder or anything; but this depression, anxiety and ADD are still some serious problems and fucks my life up so bad. I made some great progress with depression to be honest, I don't want to kill myself anymore, it's a huge thing for me obviously. But now I have this extreme fear of death and getting old. I will get into details soon.
My favorite kink is about hierarchy. I like to feel that someone is superior than me. And I want to be humiliated for everything I am and everything I have. First I will go to my past and the possible reasons for my fantasies and then I will talk more about these, I have some strange beliefs. I want to say that I am mostly a logical person, I prefer to know than to believe so I came up with some explanations. They might make sense and actually I'd love to meet people who thinks the same way but in the end, what I will say about such kinks are not backed up with scientific data.
So, for my background first. I was born in Turkey and I always had problems with my parents. They always told me that I can't be shit. I remember one day talking to my mom about it and she said "Wasn't it true, did you manage to be a shit?". They always did their best to degrade me. Like, anything. Making fun of the way I draw, the way I walk, anything. And my mom is almost illiterate. Sometimes I wonder if it was the result or the reason. I tend to blame myself for everything anyways. It may look like this condition makes it dangerous to humiliate me but I will come to that.
Tabula Rasa
I always said that I never had a room, just 4 walls that I slept in. I think a room should reflect your personality, with your hobbies hanging on the wall, your interests on the shelves... I didn't have any of that. I never had a talent so I never had a bass guitar to hang on my wall. I could never get into something and make researches and anything so I never had action figures on my shelves. I was just living within 4 walls, empty walls. I wasted a life.
So lets say that everybody has some stats. Like, someone might be really talented at music, about 9/10. And someone else might be 3/10, not so talented. So if they both start to learn music, the talented one will learn it much quicker. There are other stats too, for maths, for speech, for athletics... Statistically though, since there are so much people in the world, someone has to have all 0 stats. And it feels like it's me. No matter what I do, I will suck at it.
I feel like a walking failure. I disappoint everybody, mostly myself, unfortunately. I have always been overweight (I will come to this later) so I was never attractive. I didn't talk to anybody, I never had friends, my parents hated me. I am 26 years old and I am still a virgin. I never held a hand, I never hugged someone. Nobody ever loved me or desired me.
Don't worry, no more whining from now on. So, being this "unworthy" makes me feel a lot of things. Obviously depression was one of them but I think my brain learnt to like it, as a coping mechanism. I always think about how sex is a normal human behavior but it's something inaccessable for me, like I am not even qualified of being a being. I was born to be extinct, this is evolution at work, sexual selection. And it's kind of hot. This denial, this humiliation, this feeling of being less... It might sound really weird but I really really like it.
And The Healing Effects Of This Humiliation
It's more than a coping mechanism now. I've now accepted and embraced that I have such kinks, this doesn't bleed into my day to day life (sometimes I wish though) and actually it kinda makes me feel better now. Like all this feeling of being less is just a kink, not something I should be thinking about in real life. It is therapeutic. When I cum to these fantasies, I clean up and think to myself: "These people I deem better are actually some people that I would never envy.".
You know like, accepting it into my bedroom kinda made it go away from my living room. I really do feel psychologically better after a humiliating session (by session, I mean chatting people online :p I am inexperienced as I said before).
So, after living 24 and a half years in Turkey, one day, with a relatively sudden decision, I came here to Sweden, as a refugee. And just months ago my application was accepted and I am officially recognized as a refugee. Now I have a residence permit and a house that I live in, by myself. Yes, so far away from my toxic parents.
Obviously it feels a lot better. I get some financial help from government and it feels liberating to be financially free of my parents too. I want to work too but my fear of responsibility (I will come to this) and really unpredictible sleeping schedule makes it kinda difficult. I am now getting medical help too though :) For the first time I am hopeful about my future.
My Weight
So, before I go into detail about my kinks, I want to talk about my weight. As I said before, I am overweight and I've always been. The reason is mostly psychological. I always felt like when everything is too much I can just sit back, eat some junk food and get away from everything, forget all the stress. Of course it never worked, it doesn't even give a moment of relaxation, I hated myself as I was eating them. I still did it again though. Again and again... Every time I felt under pressure I filled myself with junk.
Now with my mental health getting better, I actually lost 10 kilograms in less than a month. I am really making some progress here and I am really hopeful about the future of this. Slowly introducing exercise to my life as well. According to my plans, I will be in my desired weight in a couple months. That's when I will hopefully act on my desires, when I am comfortable enough in my body. Right now I find it extremely embarassing to show any part of my body. But again, I am improving.
Penis size plays a huge role in my fantasies. I actually have a mathematically average dick, I generally like to downplay it and say that I have a 4 inch (about 10 cm) dick. I know that in reality it's slightly bigger than that but I like to think that I am below average. Still though, I think there is 2 types of average, one is the mathematical average, which is what I am and the other is the perceived average. George Carlin says “Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.” and I agree with it so much. Generally the mathematical average is worse than the perceived average.
So my "average" dick looks and feels small. This is the case for me, at least. It is definitely smaller than perceived average but of course it's my perceived average, it differs for everybody. Though still, this is probably the case for most people, the mathematical average being worse than the perceived one.
About Big Dicks
This is why I care about dick size on other people too. Since my dick is something I am extremely insecure about, other people being big makes me feel inferior, which as you know is something I love so much. If you are one of those people who thinks that size doesn't matter, please don't contact me. That is a total bullshit. Everybody knows that big dicks are more desirable but not everybody says that.
So, obviously there might be some talks about nerve endings, the depth of a pussy etc... These could be true if sex was all about physical stimulation (still probably wouldn't be true though since a big dick also reaches where needs to be reached and also gives some more feelings like stretching etc that a small or average penis can't) but sex is probably at least 80% psychological. A big dick stimulates the brain in very good ways.
Now for the pseudo-science I believe in... These are not things that I found on the internet or anything, these are things that I came up with myself. I has some beliefs and I came up with an explanation from an evolutional perspective. Some of it might be true but nothing is based on actual science. I still believe them deep in my heart so I'd love to meet people who thinks the same way and I think that these explanations makes sense. But still, don't be effected by it, make your own research :)
I think there's a reason why big dicks has an advantage. There's a mechanical advantage for example. According to a paper (https://open.lib.umn.edu/evolutionbiology/chapter/10-9-what-is-the-evidence-for-sexual-selection-in-humans/) the reason might be sperm competition/mate competition. "However, these researchers also stated that a longer penis would be more capable of leaving semen in less-accessible parts of the vagina, making it more difficult for subsequent males to remove or displace the semen.".
So according to that, before monogamy, a longer penis had an advantage to put the semen ahead of others'. And actually I think a thicker head would also help it clear the competing semen. And another paper (I need to log in or purchase the paper, I obviously didn't do it so I'll give wiki as a source: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Human_penis_size#Evolution) states that the reason that penises got bigger is that the vaginas got wider for birth. So again, a big dick (both in length and girth) has a better chance to keep it's seeds in.
And of course I love to think about this as "early big dicked men elected small dicked men and this resulted in humans having a bigger penis compared to it's cousins". Because it is a humiliating thought that mechanically guys like me wasn't able to compete with big cocks :p And it's so hot
But a hotter explanation for why females (and other genders who likes dicks :p) prefers a bigger dick psychologically is hormones. There was an article (this is a Turkish page, you can maybe use tools to translate the page to read it. Resources were given but again, not open for everybody, this is why I chose to put this website as a source https://evrimagaci.org/erkekler-ve-disiler-karsit-cinsiyeti-hangi-ozelliklerine-gore-seciyoruz-293) that says, while it doesn't apply to everyone, males generally like big chests and hips on females because it is an indicator of hormone levels that is fit for having a child.
So I think in a similar vein for males too. It is known that penis size and testosterone are related. And testosterone is probably a very important hormone for ancient females. See, in the same articles it says that females generally look for a partner that can take care of them and their child in the future as well. I can make a deduction that since humans were hunter/gatherers back then, having a muscular body was really helpful and this is why it is still found attractive to this day. Of course having a muscular body also is related to hormones. And testosterone is mostly linked to risk taking behavior, confidence etc. Generally what "leaders" have. So a small dick can be an indication of a partner that may fail in the future and a bigger dick can show that the male is suitable hormonally as well. More chances to breed, more chances to be successful in the future.
This means that a big dicked guy would have a higher reproductive value. Now, this "reproductive value" term is something I found back when I was suicidal. I felt like a burden and a waste of oxygen so I thought that maybe this is the reason behind suicide. Maybe if someone actually is a burden, their suicide would leave their tribe more resources. Of course, I want to stress that this does not apply for today's world at all. Today, this is total bullshit but still might be the reason why sucidal behavior evolved in the first place. And again, feeling suicidal does not mean that anybody is useless or a burden but the false sense of being a burden might trigger such thoughts.
So I found Denys DeCatanzaro's papers about suicide when I made a research about it. He is basically saying a similar thing. I found the term "reproductive value" there but it was already something in my head, I just didn't have a speacial name for it. Basically what his papers say is that the suicidal behavior might have evolved so the people with less reproductive value (that won't leave a genetic heritage) would be eliminated and the kin would have a higher chance of surviving with the resources they have. Of course he published couple papers about the topic and what I say here is not a fraction of it, and probably a wrong fraction too, so if you are curious about it I suggest you to make your research yourself.
So I think this could be an explanation for submissive behavior too. I have a low reproductive value, this is a fact since I am 26 and still a virgin. It is more difficult for me to reproduce. And the feeling of "being not worthy" was a depressing thought before, like those papers thought it would and the same feeling makes me horny now.
Think about it, what if the individual with low reproductive value helped the individuals with high reproductive value spread their seeds? Maybe by doing chores so they can have more time to mate, maybe serving them in different ways so they can focus on mating, basically helping them be a stud whose only purpose is to mate. This would help the kin spread their genes even better, right? It just makes so much sense in my head but again, I know that this is mostly just belief.
So this is what turns me on so much. I always want to contact the big dicked guys on the internet. I want to know how many men and women they fucked because it shows how sexually active they are. While I can barely fuck my hand, if a guy fucks a lot, it makes me feel really inferior to them. I think internally I realize how high their reproductive value is. I also want to know when they lost their virginities but I will come to this later.
So right now I want to address how I can be a pansexual after saying all of these, and also why I picked "homoflexible" as my orientation. I already told you why I don't think that genders matter to me but this is not the case for everybody obviously. People has expectations from genders. As someone who has a dick, when I want to be humiliated for it, I turn to men. I look at men who has big dicks.
Because of how embarrassed I am of my dick, I could never get naked in front of anybody and if someone actually cares about me and wants to see me naked, probably I'd end up crying in a corner. I am really ashamed of it and I am pretty sure that I'd disappoint anyone with it. This is why I always think that I am incapable of fucking anyone but I can get fucked someday hopefully. And it would be a lot more comfortable for me, way less stress. Of course the thought of getting fucked gets me so excited while the thought of fucking somebody just doesn't feel realistic. I always en up imagining getting cheated on because how much I disappoint them with my dick and my performance. This is my imagination! I can't even imagine fucking someone.
So as you can guess, my envy drives my feeling of inferiority, it drives submission. And submission is my form of attraction. This is why I am "homoflexible", because I am "attracted" to "males" a lot. Because they are what I envy, they are the ones that's capable of what I am not. And of course, I can understand their perspective better.
For that "evolutional" bullshit, what I talked about was mostly biological sexes, not genders. But now I hope you can understand that who I am attracted to is all about who I can feel inferior to. Of course I feel inferior to almost everybody but the higher your "reproductive value" is the better. And while I am a HUGE fan of femdom, I can not emphasize with how they might be feeling much. While a male fucks someone, I can actually compare myself to him and think that that could be me but I am inferior. This attraction is different than actual attraction, where only thing matters for me is the personality.
I said that I want to know when a guy lost his virginity. This is again an attempt to understand more about their reproductive value. As a 26 year old virgin guy, when a man lost his virginity while he was in high school or something, can you imagine what I feel? Again, I am barely fucking my hand and this guy was having sex since such early in life. I feel completely incompetent. This is why I generally fantasize about younger doms. About 20 years old for example, a lot more younger than me but completely dominates me? While everybody is respecting who are older then them, I am completely in mercy of this guy/girl? I think it's so hot, like extremely hot.
Age is something I can't take back too. I will never have the experiences the "normal people" had when they were younger and discovering themselves. This is one of the reasons why an experienced young person is so hot, no matter what I can never ever reach their point. You expect an older person to be experienced but a young and experienced person? Come on now, so superior in my eyes (from the point of being sexually desirable of course).
Now I want to talk about my biggest fear, something I fear more, the more I live. Getting older is terrifying for me. I see that some people who has this fear tries to look younger, I guess the root of their fear is social. I don't fear the aging itself, I fear the fact that as I age I have less time to live and the closer I am to death. My actual fear is death. More precisely the eternalness and inevitableness of it.
My eternalness I mean that once I am gone, I am gone, period. Like, forever... Like I never existed. I will disappear and I won't be again, FOREVER. Like, I am talking about eternity here. And I can't escape it too. Even if I was immortal somehow, the universe is not. It is inevitable. So I know that I will disappear from existence one day and I can't do anything about it. I just sit and wait...
So what I do is that I try not to think about it. I do anything to occupy my mind so death won't occupy it. It is a lot more difficult in the darkness and silence of night but I open multiple livestreams from my phone and PC. I have to know that someone, something is alive somewhere. I am so uncomfortable in silence, I can't sleep in silence. "Memento mori" no, oblivisci that shit.
Before I go into details of my fantasies, I want to adress one last thing. As I said before, being inferior is the core of my fantasies. I dream of serving and getting degraded and similar things all the time but sometimes I dream of a loving partner. It's gender changes all the time in my head, sometimes they don't even have one, sometimes even I don't know. Dreams are not very solid sometimes. So this dream person hugs me, carresses my hair, kisses me on my forehead. And they say "I am so sad that you had to go through all this. I am so mad to everyone who made you feel worthless. I love you and you are the best thing in the world for me.".
These dreams ends up in 2 different ways. Sometimes I keep dreaming and I imagine catching them cheating and liking that powerful sex they have, that they can't have with me. And I jerk off to these dreams, thinking about how they would be disappointed anyway and I don't deserve them but sexy men/women/enby does (generally men). Because I am such a loser bla bla, classic fantasies, I talked about this before.
Sometimes I open my eyes, catch myself with a stupid smile on my face. Smiling because of a dream that will not come true. And I think about how this is normal for some people. How my biggest dream is just regular life for others... This is the worse one of the 2 endings and I much rather the sexy humiliation one. As I said, my fantasies really feels so therapeutic to me.
I can finally get to the fun part. I remember hearing my neighbors fucking one day. It was so hot, she was clearly enjoying herself. Of course I immediately thought how I can never make someone sound like that and my mind filled with humiliating thoughts. I kneeled and started jerking off. I came to the floor and when I came back to my senses, neighbors were still at it. I can't explain what was going through my mind as I cleaned my cum off the floor while listening to the moans of that woman. It was heavy at that moment but today I am so turned on by this memory.
I want to serve. I dream of a couple just casually ordering me around while they fuck for example. Bringing them something to drink, cooking for them while they fuck, doing their chores etc. I don't even have to be included in sex.
Sometimes I don't want to be included at all. Sometimes I dream of this really superior guy. Someone who can fuck anyone he wants. And I think that such a guy would never be interested in me, he can get everybody drop onto their knees for him, why would he want that to be me? So in this context, being desired (to be used) is a turn off.
What I dream with such a guy to be like, flatmates. Listening to him fuck, doing chores and all as I said before. Like, I want to really envy him. So he has to be a nice guy, how can I envy an asshole, right? I am dreaming of him like, talking to me, offering help with upping my date game for example. This is so humiliating actually, basically acknowledging his superiority in terms of being sexually desirable. Or sometimes I dream about him asking me to tidy his room up because he has something came up, asking for a simple favor. I am basically dreaming about any scenario where I can serve him.
As you can see, this is a pure wet dream, nothing more. I have these perfect people in my mind, who makes me feel so inferior in comparison. But see, these people only exists in my mind, they are not real. Sometimes I think that such a person must exist and I might find them one day but why can't I think the same thing about my dream romance partner? I create perfect people in my head and feel belittled by them, this doesn't make sense.
I am aware of my problematic thoughts and the flaws in my logic. This is why I want to stress it again that this is a fantasy and I am aware of that. I really don't want anyone to worry about me, I wanted to clear the air.
To understand my desire of submission better, I need to make it clear exactly how much I am afraid of responsibilities. As I said before, I see myself as a walking failure and I never achieved anything in life and have no knowledge about any topic. So I know that whatever I do, I will fuck it up. I never worked a day in my life and I can't even imagine working. Having people depending on me? That is a frightening thought.
I never make decisions when I go out with someone. I never pick where to eat because I am always afraid that they might not enjoy my decisions and have a bad time. But if I don't like their decision, I am okay with it. I just don't want to ruin anything, you know, as I always do.
So the thought of being the dominant in a relationship is also terrifying for me. I can't lead anything, all my ways lead to disappointment. But being a sub is perfect! I can turn my little brain off and I don't have to decide anything. All I have to do is to follow orders. If I can trust my dom, it's the best for my life. There would be a lot less anxiety in my life.
Sometimes I dream about becoming a permanent slave. Giving away my whole life, literally if necessary. I like the idea of my life being a property of someone else and let them decide what they want to do with it. Sometimes my dreams are a little violent, where a truly sadist person (in a weird way a woman most of the time) is making the calls about me.
This may sound weird now because I said that I want to envy my superior and I would envy them more if they were kind. Well I don't have to envy them all the time. In fact, that dream is an exception. What is desirable here is that someone being superior and acknowleding it. Nothing turns me on more than someone treating me the way I deserve to be treated. Just seeing my inferiority and accepting it as a fact and treating me how they see fit... This is soo hot.
So yeah, sometimes I do dream of an arrogant owner but I want them to be able to fill it up, you know. Some people are all "I am so good." and shit and they just look like clowns. I think I would know if I ever met the right dom. I want to feel like a child in front of them. Setting the power dynamic from the beginning, making me understand how little I know and how little I am capable of, with their actions. I am not talking about empty "I am better than you." words, without even saying anything, actually making me understand how much better they are. This is a dream that I wonder if ever will come true.
I want to be treated like shit sometimes. I don't even want to be considered as a human being. I want to see my dom almost like a god/dess, I want to worship them. And I want them to be like "Yeah, this is normal. I am no different than a god/dess for a worm like him.".
At this point I want to point out that these are fantasies and not necessarily applies for real life. Some of what I said falls outside my limits. I have 2 limits basically but I am very generous with what they include. It's physical violence and disgusting stuff.
What I mean by disgusting stuff is of course scat, fart, watersports etc. But since I am generous with it, I include things like feet, spit too. When I see someone spitting in someone else's mouth, I find it really repulsing but I think if someone was fucking me hard and they slapped my face and spat on it, I'd probably like it because I'd find it humiliating. Or in a right day, right mind and with the right dom (probably a woman though) I could kiss their shoes. Or you can maybe even push me to a point where I wouldn't object it when you piss on me but this is really, really difficult. As you can see my limits can stretch but the more you stretch the harder it gets.
What I mean by violence is really wide too. When it comes to kinks, there's nothing too absurd to imagine. Obviously like, death and amputation etc. are off limits. Bounding is generally not my jam, especially when some organ is tied too tight to a point where it gets purple. Anything where I see blood is off limits. Straight up beating is off limits. Of course I am okay with spankings, pulling hair etc. And actually I really want someone to be really rough on me. Sometimes I really want someone to make me regret how rough I want it to be. As before, limits can stretch but it gets harder the more you stretch.
Cum Obsession
I have a cum obsession. When I see a big cock cum I feel so weak on my knees. When the last drops slowly drips down the cock, I want to lick it so bad. When that slow drops runs over the fingers of the man jerking off, I imagine him putting his fingers in my mouth so I can devour every last drop of that cum. I want someone to fuck my face hard and shove their cock all the way down my throat as they cum so they can cum directly into my stomach. I want to swallow cum, I want to be creampied, I want cum on my body, on my back, on my ass and of course, all over my face... I want it to get into my hair, I want it to drip down my neck... Ugh I fucking love cum. Sometimes when I am out, I want someone to pull me over, cum all over me; my face, my clothes and all and then just leave.
Oral Fixation
I have an insane oral fixation. I want to kiss, I want to lick... I want to feel everything with my lips. I want to clean creampies. I want to be an oral slave more than I want to get fucked.
Cock Obsession
Dicks for example. I fucking love big dicks. When I see one I want to get on my knees and kiss it, make love with it. I want to bury my head under and rest the balls on my lips. I want to just, touch the dick, feel it's pulse. I want to hold it, close my eyes and lean on it so I can feel it's heat on my face. I want to lick the cock from the base to the tip. I am trying to imagine how would it feel if I run out of saliva midway and my tongue doesn't slip on it as good as before. I think I would like to touch it with my now dry tongue tip, feel every bit of it. Probably I can just watch the dick in awe too.
To Kneel Before A Superior
I think there's something so hot in being on your knees in front of someone. I am so sad that people doesn't think about it much now and it's just normal. See, someone just stands tall, looking down on you, you are on your knees and in total submission. I really wish that the dom also could feel how strong is that. Some people would think that they understand but most of them really doesn't understand the power in that and how it makes me feel to think about it. It shouldn't feel casual, it has a different meaning for me. I want to be on my knees.
Femdom
I want to be on my knees and eating a pussy maybe. Looking up to see a woman looking down and holding my head with her both hands, strongly pressing my face on her crotch. Maybe she would be sitting on a sofa and spread her legs so I can crawl to her and worship her pussy, while she plays with her phone, sexting someone else. Locking my head in place with her legs and making me work for air. Or to bend over so she can rest her feet on me, or putting me on a leash and dragging me around while I kiss the ground she walks on. Sometimes I wish to be pegged so hard, a woman to slap my face and fuck me relentlessly...
Dom Being A Sub
Sometimes I dream of my mistress/master being a sub for a someone else. Think about it, the person I worship with my whole being kneels before someone else. What am I to this bigger person, what they are to me? This much of a level difference is... Something else.
So, I finally feel like I finished writing this. It took me about 4 days :p This will be updated whenever I want to change/add/retract something. If you read the whole thing and want to message me, I want to remind you that you don't have to respect me, you can degrade me in any way you want :)
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